Picking Up The Shards - Chapter 15 - GatorEnjoyer (2024)

Chapter Text

I forgot how much I enjoyed this. Yet another thread about human males derailed into species war.

-------------------------------------------
>Implying dirty triggers get human men

Cope and seethe. Post your human tricetard and maybe I will consider speaking to your kind. You can LARP here and post some shitty coomer bait but irl the baryonyx gets the human.
-------------------------------------------

I quickly opened my special folder dedicated to Incoposting.

That's right. Incoposting. I made him famous on the daily /Human Male General/ thread.

I started visiting human male threads when I first met Inco.

Before him, I didn't really bother looking into human male-oriented threads. We already mocked and insulted them pretty much everywhere.

He was pretty interested in me, I found myself drawing him minutes after talking to him. He found my ability to write with my claws cool. It was only fair that I learned a thing or two about humans, it was my first time interacting with one after all.

Obviously, I wasn't going to look at Wikipedia like a lame nerd. I needed unfiltered truth.

Then we started getting closer, and I decided to check out the more 'positive' threads. He was kind to me, despite my hostile behavior, so I thought it was only fair.

Lots of greentexts about interactions with human men, infographics, and screenshots of scientific articles. Same old shit, except these ones, aren't purposely misleading to throw mud at them.

As days went by and we got closer, I started to look more into it.

Found myself trying to relate... dreaming about the romantic encounters and dates I kept reading here, giggling like a high-schooler reading Watt-

Well, I was a high schooler. Still don't like to compare myself to normies.

It was a way of coping. I was sure that he didn't 'like me that way'.

I mean, I guess I am pretty and stuff but I am still a cripple at the end of the day. Being romantically involved with me would mean a lot of things were going to be different.

And I fucking hated that.

At that time I had already made peace with it. I was more focused on avoiding what my condition *provided* me. I already stopped caring about not being able to walk.

I never really had a crush on anyone I knew, wasn't really interested in the boys around me, and I had no fans either. Then after that blue twink I called a 'friend' pulled that shit, I refused to get involved with anyone except Damien, since he was... family.

Then this human boy enters my life. My attempts at pushing him away like how I did with anyone else ricochets and instead get us closer.

But thinking about how my disability took away my chance at being with someone I love.

It salted the old wounds while tearing a new, big one.

But he didn't care about my wheelchair. I realized that. I found myself hoping again.

Just like how I realized that he was genuinely interested in my work, my hobbies, and my friendship.

And in me...

...

So I... I started hoping again... Praying for him to be mine...

Started checking the links, taking screenshots of the posts, saving images...

Especially the stuff about Baryonyx and Human couples...

...

I stare at the picture I wanted to use to piss off this random retard.

This picture was taken years ago probably.

I tap the three dots on the right corner of the screen, then select 'Information'.

Yep, this was taken in 2024.

When I first started Incoposting.

Fellow 'Human Enjoyers' would post their partners, talk about them, and gloat about how happy they are or whatever. Give advice, talk about experiences, and what to expect.

It was also a really good way to make human females lurking in our haven rage. A constant reminder that we are objectively superior to them. Day by day they get closer to extinction, and they hate it. I like to drink their tears.

I snicker to myself as I finally attach the image of the young Inco kissing my hand. His eyes and upper skull are out of the picture.

There was even a list, Inco made it there too. Each species had a mascot husband, and Inco managed to replace the one for Baryonyx. I felt proud. I still do. I would post him and talk about him, receiving praise for my catch and good taste.

Took a while to finally find the courage to actually start posting about him, of course. It's not like he was going to be spotted by anyone we knew but I was still on the fence about 'sharing' him.

...

Find the courage to post his face, moments that are supposed to be reserved for him and me, pictures that were only for my eyes, without his consent.

I fucking hate myself.

Hey, at least he got attention from internet strangers online, and got called handsome and sexy, isn't that good?

Of course, he had no idea. No way I am showing him, he can't know that he would be snatched quickly. No idea what they saw in him after reading my greentexts about our dates, my talks about his dorky romance...

Probably the same thing I see in him.

...

But am I not complimenting him? I got to show off my partner! Like he is a piece of art! One could say, my masterpiece!

...

More like he is my possession.

I really fucking hate myself.

...

I really liked the feeling of... having something that others didn't. Sure I can't fucking walk but I got Inco.

...

Not anymore...

I really, really fucking hate myself.

I ruined everything. I wish I was never born... Why did he have to find me? I would end up the same except without making him as miserable as I am.

...

And look what I am doing... Fuck this, I am just going to sketch some stuff...

!

Shit, when did my finger hit 'post'?

Just when I am about to delete it, I see that it already has a few replies.

...

-------------------------------------------------
lmfao that pic is old as shit, time to upgrade ur folder
-------------------------------------------------
An image is attached, I tap on it to view it in full resolution.

It's a picture of Inco caressing my tail, which is positioned on his lap. I am holding a piece of paper with a timestamp on it. Damn, from two years ago...

I miss doing that... I bet he misses it too. It's been a while since I let him massage my tail. Shit was cash.

...

-------------------------------------------------
>Incoposting in '27
Based. TTD.

Human men are literally handcrafted for Baryqueens.
-------------------------------------------------

Another picture of Inco sheepishly smiling to the camera while holding a note.

'Built for FBW' He had no idea that it was an acronym for 'Fertile Baryonyx Womb'. Told him it was some anime-related shit. Timestamp and his name on the note? Just so I could 'never forget'. Even though phones already save everything.

Thank God I always cropped out his face. Nobody came to him and told him that he was the 'Champion of Baryonyxes' yet. So, I guess we are safe.

...

What would he think if he knew that I was using his image so I could make racially motivated posts?

I am not even a racist. I just like pretending to be one online.

Ok... maybe I am a bit... prejudiced.

...

What would I think if he was using my pictures for something as retarded as this?

I would hate it. It is not the same as him telling others how lucky he is for being with me.

Fuck.

I really, really, really fucking hate myself.

I look at the latest reply, probably from the bitch I replied to.

-------------------------------------------------
Show your real hummie if you have one, fish muncher
Triceratops stay winning
-------------------------------------------------

A picture of a human male looking at his phone... And a timestamp note is visible in the corner.

...

Is she calling me a fraud?

You will see...

I opened my gallery to see the last picture of Inco I took. I tap on my camera folder and start scrolling down. It's mostly pictures of my unfinished projects and reference material.

There it is!

I think I have taken this a month ago. A selfie of me and him. I am leaning against him, our hands are locked with each other.

He is asleep, with a tired but fulfilling smile. And I am smiling too...

We were watching some stupid movie together. Well, he was, and I joined him.

Sure we didn't go on dates for like a year, but we had moments of peace like this. We still hung out when we were home, I wish we did more but I was so focused on my job.

I just wanted to quickly move up so I could finally take a breather.

But things looked like I was never going to make it.

So I just...

...

Am I really going to blame this on my stress? He was stressed out too...

But he didn't care about that. It was me who always complained about everything.

Oh, how different things could be right now if I went home and had a date night with Inco instead of wasting it on yet another journalist who wanted to cash on my disability.

Even Alena was concerned with how tired and depressed I looked and wanted to give me a week so I could relax. I rejected it, of course, can't have pity handouts, especially if they would delay my career.

But it was no pity help, was it? It was so I could continue to function like a normal person.

I'm so fucking retarded. None of this would have happened if I realized this before fucking everything up. Why was I so stubborn?

It doesn't matter anymore...

I had years to fix this.

...

My tears leave my face and finally hit the screen. I close the phone and throw it away. I didn't even notice that I was crying. I pull my legs to my chest and wrap my tail around myself, trying to hold it in.

But I fail to do so. Soon, my silent sobs turn into wailing.

Damn it...

I hope Da doesn't hear me and try to console me again.

We keep repeating the same shit anyway. I guess I just have to endure it like he says.

Fuck, I'm shaking again.

I wish I could just fix everything.

If only I could just go back in time...

''sorry...''

I want him back.

''Im... sor...ghhhhh''

I want us back.

''sss....so...hhhhhh''

I try to continue apologizing, but nothing coherent comes out of my mouth. Only whimpers and choked words, hiccups and sniffles. I tried to push myself from the bed and close the door, but my body refused to listen to me.

I just continue to squirm and shake, crying to myself while mumbling nonsense.

I don't know how many minutes pass, maybe five, maybe ten, or more. I finally managed to calm down and stop shaking. My eyes feel sore already.

''Ace?''

I know I was being loud. Damn it...

''mmfine.''

My dad just looks at me with sadness and concern on his face. He knows that I am not fine at all. I have been here for three days and I'm pretty sure he heard how I cry myself to sleep each night.

I got worse... I don't know why. I can barely sleep or eat.

And he clearly doesn't know what to do, maybe you should have spent more time with me, dipshit.

Maybe I would've been different...

Maybe things would be better right now...

''You aren't. Do you want to talk?''

''What would that fix? We have been talking for days...'' I try to shrug him off. I don't want to talk at all.

''You told me you don't want to fix it.''

I want to fix it...

''Because I don't deserve it!''

''Not this shit again...''

What the hell? You asked to talk to me and now you are...

''Go away! You don't understand me at all!''

He is trying to...

Just like Inco was trying to...

Calm down...

Here I go pushing people who try to help me again.

Good job.

Did I even change?

''Sorry...''

Hopefully...

Da pinches his temple and leans on the doorframe, thinking what to say to me. He looks around the room while scratching his hair. Poor guy, he just wants to see me happy again.

If it's another shitty quote from some old movie I am sleeping on the streets tonight.

''How about... you try to... shoot your shot now?''

I look at my dad, dumbfounded.

''But you suggested that we stay away from each other for a while when I broke the news last Sunday.''

''I suggested the same thing to Inco too. Before you, actually.''

...

Did he want to keep us apart? What for? Is he still wary of Inco?

''Why? Is this still about him being 'unworthy'?'' I frowned at him, squinting my eyes.

''No. No, he is a nice guy I guess, and you love him so... I approve of him.''

Not convinced at all.

''Just fucking say it. You still-''

''Olivia, why would I lie?''

''Then why did you want us to separate?''

''Because... I didn't know what to do, alright? I wanted to think and I wanted you two to think as well.''

''This isn't about you!''

''It is about all of us! My daughter decided to bite her fucking boyfriend instead of talking things out! Of course I am involved in this!'' His anger and frustration was evident in his voice.

''I didn't think... I would never think of hurting him! I was just... angry and wasn't thinking... I...'' My best attempt to defend myself falls short as my throat refuses to let my words pass through. All I could do was to start crying again.

I feel nauseous again... Remembering what I did...

I fucking hate myself so much it's unreal.

As I whimper, I hear Da let out a sigh.

''Liv, listen... Don't get angry but...''

He stops to take a deep breath in.

''Are you certain that you will never do something like that again.''

I am taken aback by what he said, I can feel my mouth open.

What kind of question is this?

''No! Of course not! I would never...'' My words die out as I try my best to stop crying again. Fuck, I am going to puke again.

He looks at the ground, thinking, before finally locking eyes with me again.

''Alright. I trust you. And he trusts you too, that goes without saying.''

He does...

I know...

''You are not getting any better... You were better two days ago, I guess I was wrong... If you have changed then...''

He stops and reconsiders whatever he is going to say.

''Maybe you can try to talk things out? Reconcile? Well, you already sort of did? I don't know, you two were doing well back at Randy's.''

Yeah... I was managing with him around.

I don't even know why I got like this. I should be fine.

I should stay away, so I can never hurt him ever again. I will get better with time, I know.

But I want to get back together, apologize, and start a new life together.

The more I think about our years, the more regret I feel. I had so many chances to save things.

And I am given one more chance. Maybe the last one. Very most likely the last one.

I will change for the better.

I will become worthy of his sacrifices.

I will prove it.

But what if I fail?

''I don't know Da...''

''I'm not telling you to rush things... Just have a small test run. See if you can forgive yourself and if things can work out or not.''

A test run?

''Just continue your usual schedule and talk things out. Carefully and clearly. Go slowly, keep a distance, and try to understand yourself and him. Sounds good?''

''No... I mean... I don't know.''

''Well, think about it. Are you better off crying here all day? Maybe you should spend your time actually listening to him and trying to heal your relationship?''

''Sure, you feel guilty, and you should. You have done something horrible. However, trying to make up for your mistakes and fixing your relationship isn't something bad. He forgave you, you aren't doing anything wrong by accepting it and working things out.''

''And... You know that there is a possibility of... being too late. You shouldn't waste your chance.''

What is he...

''He has every right to seek the happiness I failed to provide elsewhere!''

''That is true, but he is still seeking it from you, no? It is a way of making up to him too. You hurt him, and now you have a chance to make him happy.''

...

Makes sense...

''I'll think about it...''

He sighs again and hums before talking.

''Right. Just one thing.''

There is a pause.

''Don't do anything stupid.''

''Like what?''

''Like... trying to do something that would 'quickly and permanently fix everything'. No such thing exists.''

I wish there was a way like that. I don't understand why he is warning me though.

''Ok?''

''Ughhh... Look, you are a bit irrational right now and we already know that you are capable of doing stupid things in the heat of the moment so...''

Does he still think that I might bite him???

''Dad! I will never hurt him again! I told you!''

''Not what I am talking about.''

''Then?''

Another exhausted sigh comes from his mouth.

''One of my friends thought that adding another person to the picture would fix his relationship... Ended up worse for everyone. Just... don't get too close to Inco, got it? I know he will allow you to do dumb things.''

...

Oh...

An anchor baby?

That is pretty fucked up.

But what if it actually fixes everything? It might work. I always wanted to become a parent anyway. This weird legacy art career thing I had was bullshit. I can always continue to paint. Inco would probably be more than hap-

No.

Stop thinking like that.

When I finally fix things, certainly... But not right now.

If I can fix things, that is.

I must own up to my mistakes and make sure we are stable and happy before we take the next step.

...

Wonder where we would be if the test I took months ago was positive...

Me and Inco as parents...

As a real family...

As wife and husband...

I can see the frustration emitting from his eyes, begging me to take the hint and end this discussion.

Let's see if I can make him say it. This is going to be funny.

''I won't share him with anyone else! Poly relationships are not my thing.''

''Don't act like you didn't get what I said. Not while your face is red.''

My hands quickly reach for the pillow to hide my face under. Damn it, I didn't account for how easy it is for me to get red. It's so hard to act tough when Inco is involved.

Fuck...

''awrighhh.'' Pillow does a good job of muffling my voice.

''Good.'' I hear him leave the room.

After a bit more hiding under the pillow, I reach for my phone.

What should I do? Call him here? Should I really go back?

I should just ask him about his day and see what happens...

...

...

You: Hey
You: Hru?
You: Was thinkin of coming back
You: Guts probs missed me lol

Come on, Olivia.

Be honest.

You: I miss you
You: Is it fine if I come back
You: Please

...

I should just keep it at asking how he is doing... I look pathetic.

I am pathetic, it's only fair. Still gonna delete it since I don't want to bother his alone time...

Maybe I might...

I wonder when he is going to reply. He would almost always reply instantly.

...

...

...

I look through the window with a wide grin on my face. I can feel my tail swinging left and right without a care in the world. I check my phone to see how I look again.

Like shit. As always.

Messy hair, huge eyebags... and it's easy to see that I just bawled my eyes out recently.

What does he even find in me?

Well, according to him, it's everything. From my eyes to my hair, my snout to my freckles, my scales to my figure, my voice to my ways of showing affection. Everything.

Of course, I also tell him about things I love about him. Never thought I would fall in love with a skinnie. The reassuring eyes, the warm and soft skin, that dumb handsome face.

His kindness, his caring, his interest, his ability to see the good inside someone, and reach out for it.

Even for someone like me...

I don't know what kind of workout he has been doing but his muscles are pretty toned too.

WHAM!

''SHIT!''

I look at the ground to see if I did any damage. Damn tail.

And then I notice that my old man is staring at me with a confused look. I don't think it looked like I did it on purpose.

''Uh... I felt a spider was climbing on my tail...''

I turn my head towards the window again. Alright... Control your tail, it's not that hard...

Damn tail... It's like trying to contain a wince after hearing your auntie talk dirty to your uncle... ughhhhh

Then they get to tease me and Inco when they catch us kissing or even holding hands.

I get the appeal though. When I think about it... Yeah, I would tease the shit out of my kids. I already love teasing Inco about his reactions, despite knowing mine are more absurd.

...

My kids...

What would we name our first son?

WHAM!

''FUCK!'' My own tail scared me.

I hear Da chuckle.

''Stop thinking what you are thinking.''

I face him with, squinting my eyes.

''I wasn't thinking anything!''

''Oh, so you just wanted to slam the floor with your tail at Mach speed.''

''Yes! I'm bored.''

Another chuckle.

''What's so funny?''

''It's a parent thing. You will get it when you become one.''

WHAM! I and Da both flinch after my tail decides to whiplash the floor again.

''Bullseye.'' His smug grin returns to his face.

''Daaaaaad...''

''Listen, they teach us about tail control in the military. Before that, I was just like you, your Ma made me nervous all the time. Knocked someone out cold once accidentally.''

The sudden mention of my mother turns his grin upside down.

...

Knock! Knock! Knock!

He is here!

Ok... Ok... One last look at myself using my camera...

''He isn't going to take you to the prom.''

I decide to ignore my dad and instead open the door.

...

''Hey.'' Our eyes meet, I can see a bit of my reflection from his shades, but his eyes are clearly visible, and they are looking deep inside mine.

''Hey.'' I hold the urge to jump to him for a hug.

We just look at each other before Da decides to appear and break the silence.

''Hey kid, how's it going?''

''Pretty good sir. How are you?''

''Good, good.'' Dad glances at me before returning to Inco again. ''Alright, just get outta here you two.''

I smile at Da and start wheeling towards Inco's car, waiting outside.

Then I stop.

''Olivia? Forgot something?''

...

I look back, directly into his eyes.

''I'm a bit tired from work... Can you push me?''

It's been a while... I don't know why I started being so stubborn about it.

He loves me, and making my life easier is something he would do out of love, not obligation. He can leave me if he wants to. Even now...

Inco shoots up his brows before smiling.

''Of course.''

He approaches me from behind and grabs the handles of my chair. My smile gets bigger as I face forward again, my tail grabbing his wrist. I can feel his heartbeat on the tip of my tail if I focus on it.

This is our equivalent of holding while walking together.

...

I won't cry...

It only takes mere seconds, but that was enough.

I want more.

''Inco...''

I look down at my lap, playing with my fingers. God, I'm such a sucker for shitty high school romance.

''Can you...''

Do I deserve this?

No. I should just shut up and get in. He's already here to pick me up, which is more than I deserve.

''You want me to help you in?'' Inco is quick to read my mind, with a gentle and excited smile on his face.

God, I have been refusing his help for months and he still wants to help...

...

''Yes.'' I whisper.

Inco is quick to rip me from my chair, lifting me from my back and thighs. As he lowers me to the car seat, I only feel one thing behind my smile.

Remorse.

I had this play out every damn day until I 'grew stronger' or some shit. I don't even know. This has nothing to do with being independent.

Why did I ever start denying his help?

That's what relationships are about. To help each other out.

...

I won't cry.

Not right now.

...

...

...

The ride was short and peaceful. We talked about how our days went, Inco was nervous about something at first, but it quickly disappeared after our talk.

He asked if I wanted to eat anything, which I refused. Told him that I just ate before leaving, which was a lie. No need to tell him about my constant nausea and get him worried.

When he finally parked in front of our apartment, he got nervous again. Asked me if I wanted some help again. I said yes. He looked surprised and happy.

I tried my best not to cry. But I failed. Inco was worried that he had done something wrong, which made me feel even worse. I hate myself.

His hug calmed me down. As always.

Which brings me here, alone in our bed once again. He is sleeping on the couch.

Tried to switch places but he insisted upon sleeping on the couch.

I thought about inviting him, but in the end, I couldn't do it. And he didn't ask for it. I probably would've refused it...

Not until I become worthy of his presence.

If I ever will, that is.

Picking Up The Shards - Chapter 15 - GatorEnjoyer (2024)

FAQs

How much of Bret Easton's Ellis The Shards is true? ›

Ellis's own 1982 yearbook picture is on the back flap of the book. It comes after a disclaimer that says that all the characters in The Shards are fictional, apart from the narrator. There's no evidence that a murderer terrorized Los Angeles prep school kids in the early '80s.

Who was the killer in The Shards spoilers? ›

The novel's ending is ambiguous, leaving the identity of the Trawler, Susan and Thom's attacker, the exact nature of Robert's death, and indeed Bret's account of the whole ordeal open to debate.

Who is Terry in The Shards? ›

Halfway through Bret Easton Ellis's first novel in 13 years, The Shards, the 17-year-old narrator, Bret (a fictionalised version of the author) pitches to a producer, Terry Schaffer. This Bret, who is working on the debut novel the real Bret published in 1985 – Less Than Zero – describes the scenario he has developed.

Why is the book called The Shards? ›

As for the title, we are left to draw our own conclusions about its meaning. There are shards of forensic evidence, the often circumstantial clues that Bret pieces together. There are the shards of recollection, the end of a young man's innocence.

How scary are The Shards? ›

Dark and disturbing ... The Shards is a compulsive exercise in escalating dread and paranoia broken by moments of shocking violence and explicit sex ...

Is The Shards a prequel? ›

The Shards can be usefully thought of as both a prequel to Less Than Zero and a presentation of the atmosphere and circumstances that brought that novel into being.

Should I read less than zero before The Shards? ›

It was useful reading Bret Easton Ellis' debut novel “Less Than Zero” before diving into his latest “The Shards”.

When did Bret Easton Ellis come out? ›

When Ellis was 21, his first novel, the controversial bestseller Less than Zero (1985), was published by Simon & Schuster. His third novel, American Psycho (1991), was his most successful. Upon its release the literary establishment widely condemned it as overly violent and misogynistic.

Who are the characters in The Shards? ›

Bret is a 17-year-old, semi-closeted bisexual LA kid bonded to his friend group at the prestigious Buckley school. There is beautiful, numb, effortless A-student Susan and her popular jock boyfriend Thom; Matt and Ryan, both of whom Bret has had sexual relationships with; and Bret's girlfriend Debbie.

How many chapters are in The Shards? ›

The Bret Easton Ellis Podcast

Look no further: This post contains links to all 27 individual installments of The Shards in the order in which they were serialized on the podcast during 2020 and 2021. Enjoy the trip.

What is shards about? ›

17, “The Shards” delves into what “really” happened to its semi-autobiographical narrator Bret Ellis and his friends when a serial killer started haunting Los Angeles in the early 1980s. But Bret is an unreliable narrator, and the “truth” is not always as simple as it may seem.

Is The Shards worth reading? ›

Luckily, the novel is worth the wait. Hermetic, paranoid, sleek, dark — and with brief explosions of the sex and violence that have characterized Ellis' oeuvre — The Shards is a stark reminder that the American Psycho author is a genre unto himself.

What is the optimal number of shards? ›

Aim for 20 shards or fewer per GB of heap memoryedit

For example, a node with 30GB of heap memory should have at most 600 shards. The further below this limit you can keep your nodes, the better.

Is The Shards metafiction? ›

Similarly, the story delves deep into what Bret sees as the performance of everyday life; the way everything is a narrative, a "pantomime," a "script." Lastly, and perhaps more noticeable than anything else, The Shards is a very personal work of metafiction in which Bret Easton Ellis shares not only a name with his ...

What happened to Bret Easton Ellis? ›

After he got out of rehab the first half of 2022 was OK--he had a job, he was taking his meds, he was seeing a therapist, he was calm. But then "something" started creeping back in and in 2023 it built and built until, like the summer of 2021, was impossible to enable anymore, leading to his meltdown and arrest.

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